You may have heard the phrase, “terrible twos” referring to a period of time when a baby tests her boundaries, is given to short fits of rage, and is generally uncooperative for the pure joy of causing displeasure in others. The reason they call it “terrible twos” is because “terrible one and a half years” doesn’t have the same literary ring to it, but in fact, that is what it is. Either that, or I am extremely advanced for my age.Previous impressions of me garnered from reading my exploits in this forum or, for the lucky few, from personal meetings no longer apply. My patience has been whittled down to a nub; the time I will politely and quietly wait for all my earthly wishes to be fulfilled has been slashed to fractions of a second; my inability to get a puzzle piece neatly in its place after a cursory effort is grounds for a spittle-flying rage equaled in fury only to Hurricane Katrina.
This journal entry is a full confession and was not coerced or edited in any way. I am Omi and I make no apologies about that. Anyone who can’t live with this truism will be disinvited to the opening night of my new play, The Elephant Says Ppppppphhhhhhhttt!!!, which Andrew Lloyd Weber keeps calling about for rights to do the score. Admittedly, the dialogue is still a bit weak and lacks verbs in some places, but if performed as written, I will actually be able to deliver all my lines as Penelope, the fetching baby debutante on safari with the Queen of Andorra (central casting is thinking Angelina Jolie for this role). Here is a snippet.Curtain opens with Penelope, the Queen, and a guide in a safari buggy circa 1918 surrounded by lush African savanna.
Queen (after a jolt): Bloody hell! What on Earth was that?Penelope: Turtle.
Queen: Oh, I thought they put a speed bump all the way out here.
Guide: I think it is still stuck under the…uh…how do you say it?
Penelope: Car
Guide (getting out to look under the wheel): Yes, car. Thank you, wise baby.
Queen: How long are we going to sit here? I’m hungry, don’t we have anything to eat?
Penelope: Apple.
Queen: Apple? I want some filet mignon with a bowl of spaghetti and a side of ice cream!
Penelope: Cow.
Queen: How dare you, I’m the Queen. You take that back or it’s off with your head.
Penelope: Moooo!!
Queen: Oh, that’s it. Wait here while I look for my guillotine.
Penelope (waving): Bye! (exit stage left laughing and running pigeon-toed on her chunky little legs, arms flailing)
I know many other words too, but couldn’t figure out how to work in “Mama,” “Daddy,” “up,” “please,” “agua” and all the others. Maybe in the sequel. Hopefully, by the time that comes out I’ll be back to my usual sweet, wonderful self. For everyone’s sake, let’s hope so.
Until next time, peace to all.
Omi, Baby Adventure Traveler
