Top 10 Reasons Why You Have Never Been to West Africa

After many weeks of research, I am now ready to publish my first substantive analytical report entitled:

Top 10 reasons why you have never been to West Africa

1. You can’t afford it. Senegal apparently produces only malaria and yellow fever. Everything else is imported and boy do we pay for it. But even if you could afford it…

2. ...you don’t know what to buy. There is a stunning lack of advertising in public spaces. Without constant bombardment of consumer messages, I do not know which brand of baby wipes will make me look more like a movie star. Very disorienting.

3. You don’t dress well enough. Even though garbage is found along every street and improvised dumps spring up in all unused space, people take great pride in their personal appearance. They adorn themselves in make-up, jewelry, high heels, and immaculate tunics and turbans, which makes you Americans look like a bunch of schlubs with your “Joe’s Crab Shack” t-shirts and your drawstring waistband pants. Here's me with Betty, my maid.

4. You aren’t tall enough. The Senegalese are so tall, my assistant has to stand on his tippytoes just to use the urinals.

5. You are turned off by the sight of women spitting. ‘Nuff said.

6. Your pet dog or cat would be turned out on the street to make room for your new goat or lizard, which seem more welcome in homes. I am still a dog person, though, so I adopted the one on the left and named her Gazelle after the local beer. Her mommy on the right came to visit for a few days to make sure we didn't have any goats.

7. Sacre Bleu! You don’t speak French. Of course, you could reside comfortably in The Gambia or less comfortably in war-torn Liberia, both English speaking countries. Here’s a quick lesson for you, which has always served me well: Ma couche est vraiment repugnante (My diaper is really disgusting).

8. You don’t know where to walk. Here’s a hint for you: the sidewalks are for parking and the roadways are for walking or possibly driving during the hours of 3:15-3:28 a.m. when there is no traffic jam. Of course, all bets are off if there is a massive tree growing in the middle of the road.

9. You are too out of shape. Senegalese exercise seemingly around the clock. The beaches are filled with young men running back and forth and doing calisthenics in practice for soccer. Along many roadways you can see people doing random leg exercises and squats to improve their soccer kicks.

10. Because there aren't nearly as many topless natives as the National Geographics of your youth promised.

STV Cribs

STV Cribs

Taking a cue from some of my fellow celebs, I have deigned to give a tour of my crib.

Can you find me in this picture? This is the upstairs hallway and at the end is the room I’ve given to my assistants. Even though I have four bedrooms in my house, I require them to share so I have more space for my hobbies and research activities.

My food taster searches for traces of arsenic on the terrace.

My two assistants, while well-meaning, often cannot keep up with my rigorous demands, so I have hired a third for security. The idea was for him to protect the house from strangers, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw him beating up the gardener yesterday. When my assistant demanded an explanation, we didn’t understand much of it (French and Babytalk, alas, have few similarities). I choose to believe he was defending my honor.

One of my assistants harvests bamboo from my garden for artistic projects.

You’ll notice the goat horns on the terrace near the potted plants. One of my assistants (I’m sure you can guess which one) thought it would be a good idea to bring them home after finding them on a beach. As we walked back to the car, a man tried to convince us they were his uncle’s horns and if we gave him the money, he would be sure it was turned over to his uncle, who clearly had intended to put them on the used horn market until we foiled his unexecuted plan. Impressive bit of entrepreneurship.

I’m standing on some tapestries which traveled back from Guinea-Bissau to be my property. I have gone from sitting to standing and soon I expect to be walking without ever learning to crawl. I find it undignified.

I hope you enjoyed the tour. Until next time, peace to all. Omi, Baby Adventure Traveler

Pasty Face in Dakar

I'm not sure why they require a safari hat -- the shade provided by my guide's nose was more than ample. Here we set out from my house for a city safari.


To my dear readers,

Many of you have been patiently waiting for reports of how my arrival was received by the good people of Senegal. News of my adventure blog had spread faster than I expected and I was greeted at the airport as a local celebrity by a woman holding a sign with the name of one of my assistants (to protect my privacy) and an air conditioned car which sped me to my delightful new digs.

My home is huge and my cries for those of you I have sadly left behind echoed throughout the bowling ally-like hallways much of the first night. In my first week, I have already compared travel notes with some new colleagues that attended my assistant’s Mommy/Baby play group. Although I must admit, I found some of their theories to be puerile and under-researched.

I was a hit at the local fish market. African women in beautiful multi-colored robes and matching turbans reached out to me, touching my feet and playing with my cheeks, hoping for an autograph or some words of wisdom. Personally, I enjoy the much-deserved attention and I always give a coy smile then bury my face in the nearest shoulder to give the air of coquettish shyness. My assistant (the girl one) was less impressed with the market, however, being overwhelmed by the rancid stench, abundance of flies, garbage, and rotting stuff all around. We may be going more upscale on the next shopping day.

My other assistant has thrown himself into some sort of non-baby work and therefore I have not paid much attention. But even with his daily digressions, he still comes home every evening to be debriefed on my findings and take care of the findings in my debriefs. He is planning a trip to Bissau and will travel ahead next week to prepare for my arrival.

Thank you all, devoted fans, for your lovely messages. For your dedication, I have included some pictures to keep you going until my next report.

Peace to all – Omi, Baby Adventure Traveler


Waiting for our ship to come in

My assistant in front of one of the famous baobab trees of Senegal in my neighborhood.

I love the African masks they have everywhere.

I get nostalgic at New Years

Me and mom shortly after we met

In this time of reflection as we say goodbye to an old year and welcome in a new one, I am reminded of some of the special moments I've shared with my family. I believe I have grown a lot as a person this year and I am proud of some of my accomplishments. The bald spot in the back of my head is filling in nicely, I'm sitting up like a champ, and I no longer cry when I fart, which has made for more pleasant social interactions with my colleagues. Here are some of the gems.

Three generations of Ticas

I don't know what they're so happy about.

The camera adds ten pounds (more or less)

Damn Paparazzi

My popularity has generated a cult following

My first Hanukkah. If singing ability is inhereted, I'm screwed

I'm Off

To my dear fans,

Thank you for all the love you've given me in these first six months of life. After living a life of political intrigue in Washington D.C. and my adventure tours in Minnesota and Costa Rica earlier this year, I am feeling itchy to keep moving. I will be taking my two assistants to Senegal to see what experiences lie across the sea. Please check back often for reports of my exploits.