Mid-life crisis

Well, I’m at that difficult time in a person’s life when they look back on what they’ve accomplished and they think about what little time is left. Sometimes I fear the future looks somewhat dim compared to the heyday of my youth. I guess this is a normal preoccupation for people as they approach the middle of their lives and now that I’ve been out of the womb nine months -- just as long as I was in -- I feel my mid-life crisis coming on.

The first thing getting me down is my weight. Even my assistants have taken to calling me Superchunk. They say the extra folds of fat in my thighs look like I have two additional butts. I find their weak attempts at humor demeaning and unnecessary. After all, it is they who continue to ply me with rich tropical fruits such as papaya and mango that grow in my backyard. And I don’t even gorge myself on all manner of sweets such as jar after jar of raw Nutella like one of my assistants (who is developing his own impressive paunch, although I will not lower myself to his level by dwelling further on his shame).

But even my massive bulk does not outweigh the conflict over gender identity. Tell me, dear fans, how you would feel if upon meeting you for the first time, your public immediately asked if you were a boy or a girl? Allow me to venture, that you would not like it one bit. Even dressed in pink and sporting my most winning smiles, the masses are not convinced of my feminine wiles. One of my assistants continues to believe earrings are the answer to erasing this ambiguity. I am sure I would enjoy having two sharp metal objects forced into my head and I am just as certain that the experience would not make me cry, even though something as simple as putting me to bed at night can make me scream like a monkey. However, the other of my assistants continues to think earrings would be a bad idea for some reason. I’m re-evaluating his continued employment with my organization.

But all is not bleak, and I am sure I will come through this difficult time with a renewed outlook on life. Like all of you, I too have my vices to help me cope with each day. If any of my simpleminded fans doubt my femininity, they need look no further than my shoe obsession. I have discovered the sizeable curative properties of a lovely pump and the soothing, almost transcendental state of sucking on an open-toed sandal. I have been known to crawl over piles of expensive, though worthless toys to get to a distant slipper across the room, just to hold it, shake it and savor the taste of it in my increasingly toothy maw. I can see this habit is going to cost someone dearly over the course of my life.

I’m also starting to exercise more. Despite earlier disparaging comments about crawling, I’ve taken up the hobby and found it not nearly as “pedestrian” as I originally thought. Though, quaint as it is, I still prefer bipedal transportation and I’m doing my best to move in that direction. I can now stand in place for several seconds all by myself. I think once I put one foot in front of the other, this baby will have a lot more adventure travels.

Until next time, peace to all.
Omi, Baby Adventure Traveler