Employee Evaluations (part I)

My assistants have just completed ten months of service and I'm preparing their annual evaluations. I have decided, after some deliberation, to re-up their contracts for another year, although there will be no raises. As a token incentive to keep up morale, I am giving modest year-end bonuses – the gift of sleep. They are being granted longer durations of shut-eye punctuated by fewer bursts of pointless, frantic screaming.

I have begun recently to refer to Assistant Number One as "Mama." This seems somehow more personal and I think she appreciates the gesture. It takes so little to make these people happy. She goes by other names as well, for example my maid calls her "Madame" and Assistant Number Two calls her "Madame Wife." This always makes him laugh (and no one else). Number One is doing a particularly notable job attending to my whims. She earns high marks for coddling me when I cry in the middle of the night in spite of Number Two's protests.

For entertainment value, there is no question Number One is worth her weight in strained peas. She has me roaring with laughter from her crazy arm-flailing dances and elephant songs. She is the Lenny Bruce of hiding behind doors and then suddenly jumping back into the room, which I consider pure comic genius. The other one can be amusing in his own way but he's more of an acquired taste, somewhat droll, but often just weird.

Number One, or Mama, is usually present to prepare my meals and feed me (yes, yes, a full time job, very funny), pick my outfits, take me for walks, and be my hair stylist. So far, I have few complaints about her performance, but recent chat around the watercooler is that she intends to moonlight as a teacher at the local elementary school. Normally, such disloyalty would be met with harsh, and admittedly capricious, consequences. But the truth is, she is so wonderful at working with babies and other superiors that I have decided to share her with the world as part of my mission of spreading peace to all.

Another thing I like about Number One is her desire to constantly improve herself (although in my opinion, there’s not much to be done). As part of my organization’s new professional development program, I allow her to take classes related to her baby work. She studies French so she can better explain my importance to the locals. I also send her for training at the gym because hauling a dignitary of my impressive girth requires top-notch physical condition. Most recently, she has equipped her teeth with braces to make her look more like a teenager. I respect her attempts to emulate adolescents, for they are the pinnacle of evolution. Teenagers know everything and they are never wrong. I aspire to join their ranks one day and thus complete my long journey toward perfection.

Number One has been with my organization for longer than I can remember and in many ways, she is the soul of the whole operation. Number Two is quite a different story and will require a whole separate letter. Until then, peace to all. Omi, Baby Adventure Traveler